[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
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mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’