My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
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incredible book dedication
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper