4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
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Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
I saw nothing
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
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*incorrect*
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Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be