Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
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Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Who chose this font
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Skills
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”