The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
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If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.