This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
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If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Monday?
No. Next question.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.