Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
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7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
drew a comic about my origin story
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.