Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
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Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
can’t wait til they legalize outside
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Bring back the McRib
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]