I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
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Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”