Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
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Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth