Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
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“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?