“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
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Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”