I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
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The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning