[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
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me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
what’s really going on
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Well, this explains it:
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.