What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
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[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?