5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
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I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Smells like a challenge to me
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?