My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
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Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!