[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
You Might Also Like
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.