They say women only use 10% of their anger
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I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.