[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
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When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet