when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
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Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”