After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
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I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?