[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
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I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Canada has crack?
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
never deleting this app.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.