A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
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LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT