So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
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Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…