Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse

🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse

🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse

interviewer: what are your strengths?

me: I know where you live

Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

Dietest Coke

Does anything good ever escape from a lab

My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.

One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*

no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.

I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks

My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.

When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find

I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!

6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]

me: [hides behind GF]

GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-

me: look, we need more strong female lead char-

Traffic fantasy:

– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me

Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!

Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.

[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted

I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.

Doctor: well, we lost him

Widow: *sobbing*

Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there

Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.

Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants

Some are mad Trump won.

Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.

I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.

If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful

Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”

Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌

My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.

This is no longer winter this is harassment

I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.

I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.