I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
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I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
real
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.