7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
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When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
#DesignFail
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
My life in a nutshell