Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
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*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
I’m calling the cops.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.