Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
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Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Huge, if true.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.