Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
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I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.