In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
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“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
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4.
5.
6.
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10. He is a cat.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
This is a true ally.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Oops I deleted….
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.