THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
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No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
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Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.