Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
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SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on