Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
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If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it