Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
You Might Also Like
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
You’ll be OK
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
So true for me
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
HERE’S MARKY
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.