Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
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Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi