My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
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At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*