“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
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I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
#polloftheday
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.