disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
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I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together