Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
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Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.