Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
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What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans: