I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
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Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume