Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
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*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”