When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
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#math
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life