[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
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He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.