i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
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guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Sticker placement is key.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope