Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
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I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Introverted vegans go meetless
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
We’ve all been there…
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.