ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
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[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
6. me as a lawyer
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Perfect.
That’s what I call a flat tire