it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
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‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*